heading back for 2009.

We received an email from Caterpillar informing us that business for 2009 looks good but they couldn't guarantee anything for 2010. Big shocker... I'm grateful that I've kept my job this long despite the current recessed global situation. Actually, I'm not worried for some reason, probably because I still have a job and I haven't taken on any large purchases, we're staying light and paying off as many things as we can.

I'm grateful for my employment and for the time I've been there and have left with this company. The fact is, I'm not doing the sort of job that I'd like to be doing. Interestingly, this job is the manifestation of something that I thought I wanted to do. I wanted to be involved in SGML based, technical publishing that was gradually moving into XML technology. We're doing that for the most part but there is a lot of resistance, that and I'm not really sure how to get the department involved in this.

Even if we did, so what? What happens after we publish using XML based technology. I'm not a developer nor do I want to be one and that's what the department would need--a cold, hard developer. So I return to do my job, the job I manifested for myself.

So... Do I manifest another job? Yes, but life's happening as I'm waiting for my perfect job. Solar is not my career nor do I want it to be but I do enjoy the steady paycheck. The other concern is that I haven't had a "choice" job since I worked at IVID communications creating 3D animation.

In order to manifest anything you have to be clear about what you want. You don't have to know how it's going to happen or the mechanism but you do have to try, you should prepare and expect it and you should visualize the final outcome. I knew I'd so something like what I'm doing for Solar Turbines and I expected that I'd be working with nice people, which I am. But it is a stressful job. I need to do something where I won't receive such a ration of shit every time I make a mistake.

I make mistakes, I don't mind making them because I'm a perfectionist and when you're trying to do things perfectly, you're going to make mistakes, it's only human. I've made peace with my learning process. I need to work at something what will not cost someone money or hardships when I do make a mistake. Right now, that's not at Solar. I think that the people I work with tolerate my mistakes but they don't like it.

I'm a creative and distracted individual. I enjoy the way my brain works and I don't want to succumb to be a duty-driven, tacit employee to benefit someone else. I don't mind being a team player and I don't need to be in charge of the team.

I'll find what I'm looking for because I'm convinced that I get whatever I want, as does my wife so therefore I have the perfect wife. She's an optimist and that's exactly what I asked for.

I'll do the best that I can at my job with Solar Turbines but I also feel that this year--2009 will be the year I really define myself and close-up the way I'm doing things. I have a great deal of confidence in myself and I trust that I am surrounded by people that will support me.